Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My balls are so social today.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
