I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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