So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
