i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
