I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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