I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
