Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
