I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
