someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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