he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Pooping to opera.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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