Rock
Scissors
Fuck
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
