my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
