Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
