dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
