Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
