A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
