If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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