There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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