You can't motorboat a personality
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
