I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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