The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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