Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
