You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
