I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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