haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
