Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You smell like stripper and shame
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
