We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
