dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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