My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
