i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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