I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
