Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
