You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
