I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
A+ Viking dick
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
