I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
