my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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