Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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