Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
