She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
