but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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