Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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