My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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