Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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