someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
