is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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