he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
