i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
