It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
