Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
