When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
